Healing Issues

How to Help

Characteristics of a Person in Crisis

PHYSICAL REACTIONS TO A CRISIS

Shock, numbness, frozen fright, fight or flight, adrenaline, heart rate, hyperventilation, body relieves self, and slow motion.

EMOTIONAL REACTIONS TO A CRISIS

Shock, disbelief, denial, fear, terror, confusion, frustration, out of control, guilt, grief, loss of trust, faith, identity, future; selfish, unpredictable.

SHORT ATTENTION SPAN:

-- person shows a narrowed, fixed span of attention. Will often have a "topic of choice", and return to that topic despite helper's attempt to change the conversation.

CHANGE IN ATTACHMENTS:

-- person is willing to talk to anyone who will listen. Much more trusting of others during this time period, much less paranoid of others...in other words, very vulnerable and open to receiving help.

CHANGE IN PERFORMANCE:

-- person's normal level of functioning decreases...job performance, social, personal, etc. A strong indicator that the person is in crisis.

ALTERED STATE OF CONSCIOUSNESS:

-- tunnel vision. Person often does not see what is obvious.

REDUCED DECISION MAKING ABILITY:

person in crisis experiences a greatly reduced ability to make decisions. This may be especially frightening to the person if he/she was previously decisive and in charge. Person can't decide between this or that. Thus, we should not try to flood the person in crisis with too many choices, i.e. offering eight referrals. Go with one or two good ones.

DISTRESS:

person in crisis will signal his/her distress. Person can and will indicate that he/she feels in crisis, unable to cope or otherwise is uncomfortable.

Adapted from: Hansell, Norris. The Person in Distress. Human Science Press, 1976.

The Five Basic Steps in Crisis Intervention Counseling

1. ESTABLISH A RELATIONSHIP

reinforce seeking help
invite more discussion
convey our involvement and acceptance
stroke the client for his/her concern, willingness to change etc.

2. DEFINE THE PROBLEM (assess the situation)

define the problem in client's terms
explore the depth, implications, changeability of concern
allow open-ended exploration
focus on NOW and HOW rather than THEN and WHY

3. EXPLORE FEELINGS

acknowledge
accept
explore implications of feelings
promote hope
reduce anxiety
reduce denial, blame

4. EXPLORE PAST COPING ATTEMPTS

transition from problem to solving
take inventory of client's style, internal and external resources
avoid solutions previously tried that failed
explore solutions prematurely rejected

5. EXPLORE ALTERNATIVES AND DEVELOP A PLAN OF ACTION

generate alternatives--focus on a collaborative effort with the client. Try to get client to generate alternatives themselves with your assistance.
explore consequences
explore how client feels about alternatives, consequences
rehearse
get commitment to specific plan of action
use contracting if necessary and /or appropriate

Adapted from Kalafat, J., "Training Human Service Workers; Skills, Strategy and Self" in CRISIS INTERVENTION. 2nd Edition. Cohen et al (eds).

Helpful and Harmful Things to Say to a Victim

The following list of helpful phrases may be used if you have ever found yourself "stuck" for what to say to a client. You may use the list of harmful phrases below as a check to be sure you are not inadvertently saying things that may not support a victim. These lists may be especially useful to new legal advocates until they decide what phrases feel most comfortable for them, however, they are in no way intended to be inclusive.

Helpful Phrases:

"You're doing a great job dealing with the situation."
"What you are doing is very difficult and you've done so much already (list her actions)."
"It sounds like you have really thought a lot about the situation and what you want to do."
"You really care a lot about your children. You are a wonderful mom."
"You are not to blame for being abused."
"You are not the cause of another's violent behavior."
"You deserve to be treated with respect."
"You deserve to make your life safe and happy."
"You are not alone. You can ask/have asked others to help you."
"Things may be different now than before, and you and your children may have a different routine, but it may help you and your children live safely."
"I am glad you are here with me now."
"I'm sorry it happened."
"It wasn't your fault."
"It is ok for you to feel _______________."
"You are not going crazy."
"Things may never be same, but they can be better."

Harmful Phrases:

"I understand."
"You're lucky that...."
"You'll get over it, it will just take a little time."
"I know how you feel."
"Everything will be alright, don't worry."
"Try to be strong for your children."
"Calm down and try to relax."
"Why didn't you________________?"
"I think you should _______________."

10 Questions to Ask Yourself before Becoming an Advocate:

Can I be a "safe harbor" or can I be a dependable, nonjudgmental companion to this person?
Can I be with people who are in pain and hurt?
Can I attempt to see the world through the eyes of this person?
Do people perceive my desire to understand them? More importantly, do I have a desire to understand them and a willingness to be taught?
Am I able to pull back and know I need "time outs" from victim advocacy from time to time? Am I able to sense when my bucket is low and needs filled?
Do I understand my separateness as a person? Am I able to maintain boundaries in this relationship?
Can I respect my own needs while focusing on the needs of others?
Am I able to free myself or the need to diagnose, evaluate and assess? Can I instead see myself as a gardener who is exploring to see what we discover?
Can I see this person as someone who is becoming, rather than as a static person bound by their past?
Am I able to supportively confront people when the need arises?

Do your best to help an individual and be supportive. Many times individuals need someone to help them through their crisis, however know your limits. If the issue seems to be getting too difficult or more complex than you are able to handle, know when to refer to a long-term counselor or another professional who is more equiped to help the person in crisis.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

What It Is

Post = after Trauma = crisis Stress = impact

A working definition of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is the impact after the crisis.

First applied to veterans of the Vietnam War, it has been expanded to crime victims, as well as victims of natural disaster. The essential diagnostic feature of PTSD is the development of characteristic symptoms following exposure to an extreme traumatic stressor involving direct personal experience of the event, witnessing the event or learning about such an event of a close family member or associate. The event is characterized by actual or threatened death, serious injury or threat to physical integrity. Symptom clusters may include:

re-experiencing the traumatic event
avoidance of stimuli associated with the traumatic event
increased arousal/physical response in the aftermath

Anyone can be affected by PTSD, regardless of age, race or gender. In "at risk" groups (such as war veterans and crime victims) the occurrence ranges in prevalence from 3-58%.

(Reprinted for training purposes from author: TS Nelson)

The Symptom Clusters

The symptom clusters are:

re-experiencing the traumatic event
avoidance of stimuli associated with the traumatic event
increased arousal/physical response in the aftermath

The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in one (or more) of the following ways:

Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions. Note that in children repetitive play may occur in which themes or aspects of the trauma are expressed.
Recurrent distressing dreams of the event. Note that in children, there may be frightening dreams without recognizable content.
Acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring (includes a sense of reliving the experience, illusions, hallucinations, and dissociative flashback episodes, including those that occur on awakening or when intoxicated). Note that in young children, trauma-specific re-enactment may occur.
Intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.
Physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.

Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma), as indicated by three (or more) of the following:

Efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma.
Efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma.
Inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma.
Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities.
Feeling of detachment or estrangement of others.
Restricted range of affect (e.g., unable to have loving feelings).
Sense of a foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span)

Persistent Symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the trauma), as indicated by two (or more) of the following:

Difficulty falling or staying asleep.
Irritability or outbursts of anger.
Difficulty Concentrating.
Hyper vigilance.
Exaggerated startle response.

(Reprinted for training purposes from author: TS Nelson)

Faith Issues

"What Victims Want to Say to Clergy"

A collection of feelings expressed by victims
Rev. Dr. Richard Lord

Re-printed from The Spiritual Dimension in Victim Services, A Manual for Clergy and Congregations

Don't Explain.

As deeply as I cry out "Why?", I know there is no rational explanation. My "Why?" is more a longing for God to hold me in his arms and give me some comfort than it is a question I want answered. I don't want you to try to give me answers. What has happened is absurd. It is surely not as God intended life to be. It doesn't make sense. God didn't cause it. The devil didn't cause it. It could not have been God's will.

Therefore, let us together try to explain the cause of the tragedy as factually and honestly as possible. I want God, and you as my pastor, as companions who will stand with me in my longings, not as sources of explanation.

Don't take away my reality.

My pain seems unbearable to me and yet, in light of what has happened, it feels right that I should be in pain. I know it is uncomfortable for you. I know you want to take it away. But you can't, so please don't try. The pain is a sign to me of how much I have loved and how much I have lost. If I have doubts, I am angry , understand that these are normal reactions to a very abnormal situation. I will not always be like this, but I am now. These are my feelings. Please respect them.

Help me deal with forgiveness with integrity.

Understand that if my faith is important to me, I will struggle with the issue of forgiveness. I will remember all the times I've been told that I must forgive. And yet, something deep within me resists forgiving someone who has not even said, "I'm sorry."

I wonder if I am the appropriate one to forgive that person who has harmed or injured someone I love. I don't feel obligated to forgive; I don't even feel that I have the right to forgive in those circumstances. But yet, I feel uncomfortable in my resistance to forgive.

I am also troubled by the difference between forgiving and forgetting. I desperately want my loved ones who has been killed or injured to be remembered. I resist anything that threatens the memory of one who has died. Therefore, even if I do decide at some point that I can honestly and with integrity offer forgiveness, please don't ask me to gorget what happened. It is impossible to forget, and, to me, it is very undesirable as well. Even Jesus said "Remember me" when He was dying on the cross.

Understand that forgiveness is far more than just saying three words, "I forgive you." If I say the words, they must be true. I must speak them from the depths of my very soul with absolute integrity. Don't push me to say the words just to satisfy you. I can only say them if I come to really mean them.

Stay close.

Just as a one-year-old child learns to walk with someone close by to steady him when he stumbles, stay close enough so I can reach out and steady myself on you when I need to. Understand me need to grieve, my need to withdraw, my need to agonize, but remind me that you're there to lean on when I want to share my pain.

Remember me... for a long time.

This loss will always be a part of me. I'll need to talk about it for years to come. Most people will be tired of hearing about it after a period of time. Be the person who will invite me to share my feelings about this after others have moved on to other concerns. If my loved one has died, mention his or her name from time to time and let us remember together.

Don't be frightened of my anger.

Anger isn't nice to be around. But it's part of what I'm feeling now, and I need to be honest about it. I won't hurt myself or anybody else. I know my anger doesn't threaten God. People get angry in the Bible. Even God got angry at certain things. The one to worry about it the one who has experienced violence but hasn't become angry.

Listen to my doubt.

You stand for faith, and I want you to, but listen to my doubt so you can hear the pain it is expressing. Like anger, doubt is not pleasant to be around, so people will want to talk me out of it. But for right now, let me express the questions which are measured by the depth of the loss I feel. If I cannot doubt, my faith will have no meaning. It is only as I move through doubt that a more meaningful faith will develop.

Be patient.

My progress will not be steady. I'll slip back just when everyone thinks I'm doing so well. Be one to whom, on occasion, I can reveal my weakness and regression. Let me be weak around you and not always strong. I'll make it, but it will take much longer than most people think. I'll need your patience.

Remind me this isn't all there is to life.

My pain and my questions consume me. I think and feel nothing else. Remind me there is more to life than my understanding and my feelings. Speak the word "God," not to dull my pain, but to affirm life. I don't want God as an aspirin but as a companion who shares my journey. Stay beside me and remind me of that Eternal Presence which can penetrate even my grief.

Helping Others: Christian Layperson's Help

If someone you know has been the victim of a crime, here are some do's and don'ts for helping them recover and process this event in their life and relationship with God:

Do...

Pray continually for the person, and for your conversations and contacts that you may be a healing agent by the Holy Spirit.

Pray continually for the person, and for your conversations and contacts that you may be a healing agent by the Holy Spirit.
Be present with the person. Make yourself available and let the person know you are there simply because you care.
Meet practical needs. It's good to offer and provide the person with groceries or items, but be sensitive to what they actually need.
Accept and validate the feelings that the person expresses. They are their true feelings, even if they are directed at God or seem to be a crisis of faith. Problem attitudes and issues can be dealt with in time.
Be there long term. Let them know you care and allow the person to set the pace of discussions and relationship.
Let them question God and spiritual things. It is okay, to say you don't agree with a statement they make in anger, as long as you limit it to your view and don't try to "correct" their view of God theologically at this point.
Use a comforting touch. A hug or a pat on the shoulder does help.
Avoid curiosity to know inappropriate details of crime.
Listen to what they mean, not just what they say.
Be sensitive to their emotional needs when you speak.
Use a sense of humor when it is appropriate.
Give yourself time off, and seek support from other friends.
Use creative arts to help them express their feelings. (Poetry, songs, etc.)
Find scriptures to share with them, sensitively, that deal with where they are at.
Look at the good Samaritan passage (Luke 10:25-37), to understand your role in the healing process.

Don't...

Blame the victim. Avoid questions or statements that point to "contributing factors" of the crime. The crime was not their fault. ("Why" questions tend to blame victim indirectly)
Assume you know how to define forgiveness. It is not forgetting (which places the victim in potential danger), not reconciliation (when there was no prior relationship), not justifying offender's behavior, not absolution of offender's responsibility, not retribution, not seeking compensation, and not trusting the offender. It is releasing the need to control the outcome of the aftermath, recognizing and confronting the evil done, regaining control from the offender, ending any cycles of repetition (mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual) that give the offender power, is primarily for the healing of the victim not the freedom of the offender, is something the victim is owed and can claim, and is normally successful after going through the grief process related to the loss inflicted by the crime.
Rush forgiveness. Forgiveness is commanded by God, but railroading it seems to vindicate the responsibility for the crime. Forgiveness will come, and most Christians don't need reminding that they are told to by God.
Use Cliche's. Packaged statements only make the caregiver feel good, and they belittle the survivor. Saying, "It's God's will;" "It'll all work out;" "All things work together for good;" etc. are not only belittling to the survivor's experience, but are insensitive and scripturally inaccurate.
Place expectations of any kind. Quite often survivors need to have a sense of recovering their own ability to cope with life and even daily things. Putting any expectations on their healing time, conversation, forgiveness, grief, etc. only boxes them into your agenda and you are robbing their power to cope. You also can remove the freedom for the Holy Spirit of God to lead the person, and for them to sense God's work in their life.
Intellectualize or theologize their situation. Neither will help emotional or spiritual growth. Most of the time theological or intellectual statements are not as objective as they may be intended to be, they normally reflect opinions or biases, or even place blame on the victim. Job's friends are a good example of this.
Expect grief to be an easy step by step process. Grief works differently for different crimes (e.g. mourn loss of security in robbery vs. loss of a person in homicide) and for different people. There may be characteristics that we should understand (e.g. the ten stages of grief), but no one will go through them exactly the same as another.
Distance or isolate the survivor. It is our natural tendency to pull away from those whom have gone through something horrific or something we don't understand. Draw near to them as a friend.
Get too close. It is easy to become over involved in someone's emotional state, or feel like you have to be sharing their pain for yourself in order to heal them. That is an extremely un-healthy thing for you both. Keep appropriate emotional boundaries, by avoiding sharing emotional stresses of victim in yourself.
Say you understand. No one understands the uniqueness of another's pain or circumstance. Try to understand, but don't pretend that you do.
Over busy the survivor. It is easy for us to busy ourselves to forget pain, but that doesn't deal with it. Keep them busy enough to feel part of the community, but let them rest and process with you on down days as well.
Pass it on. The grapevine is huge in our church communities. Ask permission for what you can share with others, and what attention the survivor desires. Don't share anything else, in the name of "prayer requests."

Christian Clergy Help

If someone in your congregation has been the victim of a crime, here are some important care guidelines and principles for pastors and clergy.

Bathe the person and your meeting with them in prayer– It is critical that no clergy person would ever try to effect the healing of another without the power of God. Clergy are people, and as humans we have no more power to cause healing in an individual, than we do to cause a plant to grow. These are works of God, and as such we must be filled with the Spirit of God in order to be vessels for His work. (Exodus 15:26; Psalm 147:3; Matthew 12:22; Acts 9:34)
Be accepting and available–As with anyone in crisis, it is imperative to track with them long term and give them as much or as little care as they indicate they need at a given time. It is important to affirm their worth in God's eyes through your own actions and words.
Validate their feelings and let God be big enough – The natural tendency of clergy is to be "argumentative" or to debate when someone expresses a view of God or a theological statement that doesn't square with our "objective" theology. Be careful not to be like Job's friends and try to correct a survivor's theological questions or angry expressions. Accept their true feelings, understanding that God is big enough to take their anger, and let them wrestle with the questions they have so that when they begin to discover answers they will own them for themselves and not because the "pastor said so." It is okay to say you don't share a particular understanding of God they may share, but very very gently guide them toward scriptures that they can wrestle through for answers themselves. Understand, that scripture reading may be on the bottom of the list for a while so be extremely patient.
Listen to what they mean, not just what they say– If you can hear the pain and the perspective beneath the semantics, you will be less likely to be content critical and more likely to be a discerning healer.
Never pretend you can figure out the "why" of the crime – It is easy to look at actions and decisions that may have been "contributing factors" to a crime. But it is not appropriate at any time for a clergy person to decide what could or should have been done differently, in order to prevent the crime. It is wrong to place the guilt and shame for another person's sin on the shoulders of the victim. It is wrong to indicate to others that the victim contributed by decision or naivete_ to their own victimization. Again, don't be like Job's friends and search for sin where mercy is needed.
Do not apply "normal" pastoral counseling practices – pastoral counseling often suggests strong directive homework assignments in scriptures and seeks to get the counselee praying to God regularly. With survivors of crime there is often a period where your efforts will be more effective in praying for them, and not with them or insisting that they pray. Gentle/humble guidance is critical because the strongest loss in crime is a loss of control. Any directive statements or actions feel like a robbing of control again, and could re-traumatize the victim. It is good to always ask where a victim is and what they feel comfortable with. Let them be in control and make the choices toward healing as they are ready.
Give room for God to work – It is easy to presume how long a person should struggle with an issue and overcome it, but do not place expectations of healing or forgiveness upon survivors. Let God work in them in His timing, and you be the facilitator of that process. Each person will struggle uniquely with the trauma of victimization, and will progress according to their own perspective and faith. Let them be grown by God as He works good out of the evil done to them.
In time, deal with reality – After the initial shock period passes, survivors will need to deal with reality. Again, do not force or control this re-orientation, but don't be afraid to deal with the issues. For example, a rape victim may need to work through fears about their marital sexual relationship. Don't be afraid to talk to the survivor and their spouse about the fears and concerns they are facing, and give them support in the process of learning to trust and "take control" of their lives again.
Be connected to Christian Counseling systems and have the avenue of referral – Be aware of what emotional issues you are not equipped to handle in counseling and be ready to refer any congregant who needs counseling beyond your abilities. However, continue to be there for them and accepting. Facilitate their continued feeling-a-part-of the community and not cast-aways from the perfect elite.
Avail yourself of materials regarding care for survivors – Three sources you may want to consult for your own ability and for the training of lay people for caring for survivors are:

Clergy and Victims of Violent Crime. Dr. Wayne Leaver. C.S.S Publishing Lima, OH; 1990.

A Manual for Clergy and Congregations. David & Anne Delaplane. U.S. Dept of Justice
Spiritual Dimension in Victim Services (Scott Beard 843-577-2687)

Helping a Neighbor in Crisis. ed. Lisa Barnes. Tyndale Pub. Neighbors Who Care, 1997.

Forgiveness

To help another with forgiveness:

Don't assume you know how to define forgiveness. It is not forgetting (which places the victim in potential danger), not reconciliation (when there was no prior relationship), not justifying offender's behavior, not absolution of offender's responsibility, not retribution, not seeking compensation, and not trusting the offender. It is releasing the need to control the outcome of the aftermath, recognizing and confronting the evil done, regaining control from the offender, ending any cycles of repetition (mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual) that give the offender power, is primarily for the healing of the victim not the freedom of the offender, is something the victim is owed and can claim, and is normally successful after going through the grief process related to the loss inflicted by the crime.

For those struggling with forgiveness:

Without a doubt, you will be called upon to rethink your concept of forgiveness after a loved one has been killed (or you have been the victim of a serious crime). And if you're going to survive the trauma without keeping your stomach tied in knots for years, you will need to decide how you can deal with the offender and maintain your integrity.

In killings in which the offender was also killed, the issue of forgiveness can be avoided somewhat. For those in which the offender is alive, especially if the criminal justice system is involved in the case, the issue cannot be avoided.

Society tends to forgive easily. It is so eager to forgive that it doesn't require remorse on the part of the offender. Many homicides are plea-bargained in the criminal justice system with offenders being advised by their attorney to "plead guilty" to a lesser offense in return for more lenient sentences. At the same time, the offender is instructed not to make contact with the victim's family because it might imply an admission of guilt. Does society and the criminal justice system really believe that such a plea is genuine remorse? Apparently so, because it is all that is required.

Your family may say, "If only he would look me in the ye and genuinely say 'I'm sorry.' it would mean all the world to me." The common response to such a statement is that "only a vengeful family would put an offender through that." To you it may be a very significant component in justice with integrity.

Some victim families, when shown genuine remorse by an offender, have offered forgiveness even though they can never forget. Many cannot forgive. Most are unwilling to offer a "cheap grace" to offenders- a gesture of forgiveness which has no real meaning because the offender has shown no remorse and made no commitment to a change in behavior.

You will need to decide, based on your own life experiences and religious convictions, what to do about forgiveness. It is a difficult task. If others imply that you should offer forgiveness, tell them it is an important matter and that you will handle it in a manner that your integrity allows.

Grief

Stages of Grief

The work of grief cannot be hurried. It takes a great deal of time, usually a year or more. It may be the purest pain you have ever known. What is happening to you (as a crime victim) is, of all things, natural.

The following are stages of grief commonly experienced. You may not experience all of these, and you may not experience them in this order. It is important to realize, however, that what you are feeling is NATURAL; and with TIME, you will begin to heal.

Shock:

Some people experience shock after a crime, saying things like "I feel numb," and displaying no tears or emotion. Sometimes there is denial. Gradually the bereaved become aware of what has happened, and they are able to express their emotions. Other people don't go through a prolonged stage of shock. They are able to express their emotions immediately.

Emotional Release:

At some point a person begins to feel and to hurt. It is very important not to suppress your feelings (anger, sadness, fear, etc). Suppressed feelings often surface at a later time in unhealthy ways. Shared feelings are a gift, and bring a closeness to all involved.

Preoccupation:

Despite efforts to think of other things, a grieving person may find it difficult to shift his/her mind from thoughts about the crime. This is not unusual and, with time, should not be a problem.

Physical and Emotional Distress:

These distresses may come in waves, some lasting from 20 minutes to a full hour. The most common physical distresses are:

Sleeplessness
Tightness in the throat
Choking feeling, shortness of breath
A need for sighing
An empty hollow feeling in stomach
Lack of muscular power (e.g. "It's almost impossible to climb the stairs. Everything I lift seems so heavy.")
Digestive symptoms; poor appetite

Closely associated with the physical distresses may be certain emotional alterations. The most common are:

A slight sense of unreality
Feelings of emotional distance from people- that no one really cares
Sometimes people appear shadowy or very small
Feelings of panic; thoughts of self-destruction, or the desire to run away or "chuck it all"

These emotional disturbances can cause many people to feel they are approaching insanity, but these feelings are actually NORMAL.

Hostile Reactions:

You may catch yourself responding with a great deal of anger to situations that previously would not have bothered you at all. These feelings can be surprising and they often make people feel that they are going insane. Anger may be directed at loved ones, friends, the doctor, the nurse, God, or the minister.

Often, too, there may be feelings, of hurt or of hostility toward family members who do not, or for various reasons cannot, provide the emotional support the grieving person may have expected from them. Anger and hostility are normal. Do not suppress your anger. However, it is important that you understand and direct your anger toward what you are really angry at, the fact that you've been victimized.

Guilt:

There is almost always some sense of guilt in grief. The bereaved think of the many things they felt they could have done, but didn't. They accuse themselves of negligence. It is important to remember that something was done to you. You are the victim, not the perpetrator. Guilt is normal and should pass with time.

Depression:

Many grieving people feel total despair, unbearable loneliness and hopelessness; nothing seems worthwhile. These feelings may be even more intense for those who live alone or have little family. These feelings are normal and should also pass with time.

Withdrawal:

The grieving person often tends to withdraw from social relationships. Their daily routines are often disrupted as well. Life seems like a bad dream. This is normal and will take some effort to overcome.

Re-entering Relationships:

After time, effort, airing of feelings, and a lot of love- the grieving person readjusts to his/her environment, re-establishes old relationships and begins to form new ones.

Resolution and Readjustment:

This comes gradually, the memories are still there- the love is still there- but the one begins to heal. You begin to get on with your life. It is hard to believe now- but you will be better. By experiencing deep emotion, and accepting it, you will grow in warmth, depth, understanding and wisdom.

You may find it helpful to put your thoughts about the crime down on paper. Sometimes people will write to the person they've lost, expressing their thoughts and feelings:

What I wish I had said or hadn't.

Ways in which you will continue to live on in me.

Choose ideas that have significance for you- ideas specific to your situation and relationship.

Some people simply use a journal as a place to express their feelings after a loss; their confusion and pain. A journal can help you work through your grief by giving you an outlet and way to express yourself. Once that is done, it can help you move on.

(Reprinted with permission from the Putnam County Chapter of the Compassionate Friends, Inc. August 2000 newsletter)

Common Responses to Grief

A feeling of tightness in the throat or heaviness in the chest.
An empty feeling in the stomach and loss of appetite.
Restlessness and a need for activity, accompanied by the inability to concentrate.
A feeling that the loss isn't real, that it didn't actually happen.
A sense of your lost one's presence, like finding yourself expecting them to walk in the door at the same time, hearing their voice, or seeing their face.
Aimless wandering, forgetfulness, inability to finish things you've started to do around the house.
Difficulty sleeping, frequent dreams about the crime or crime-related.
A tendency to assume the mannerisms or traits of your deceased loved one.
An intense pre-occupation with the life of your deceased loved one.
Intense anger at your loved one for leaving you.
A need to take of other people around you, by politely not talking about your feelings regarding the crime.
A need to tell and re-tell and remember things about the deceased or the crime.
Crying at unexpected times.

These are all natural and normal grief responses. It is important to cry and talk with people when you need to.

(reprinted with permission from the Putnam County Chapter of the Compassionate Friends, Inc. August 2000 newsletter)

Dealing with Grief

Grief takes time to heal. There is no quick fix and no easy remedy. However, there are some ways of coping and things to remember that will help you in your time of sorrow and recovery. Here are a few:

Trust yourself. You are the best judge of what you need. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Rely on friends and family. Surround yourself with people who listen to you without interruption or interpretation.

Join a bereavement group. Though we often feel alone after victimization, we are not. There is support from others available.

Be patient with yourself. Recovering is a slow process, little by little.

Take physical care of yourself. Rest, exercise and healthy meals are more important now than ever before.

Read about the grief process. Educate yourself about the emotions that you may be experiencing.

Talk about your feelings. Bottling up emotions only hinders healing.

Get in touch with nature. Many people find walks, hikes and even gardening bring peace.

Resume your daily routine. The daily responsibilities can provide you with a break from grieving by distracting your energies.

Postpone major decisions. Unless necessary, don't sell your house, quit your job, or make other life changing decisions.

Plan ahead for special days. Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays are difficult. Plan ahead as to how you can best deal with them.

Don't judge yourself too harshly. Often times victims ask themselves, "Why am I not over this yet?" Every one takes their own time to grieve. You don't ever "get over it." You learn to live with it.

Helping Someone Else

Every person deals with grief differently. Therefore, there are no concrete ways to deal with a frend or loved one who is suffering from a loss. Below are suggestions, both of ways to help and things to avoid doing or saying.

Ways to Help

Listen to them. Do not offer anecdotes from your own life or interpretations of how they should feel or what they should think. Be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.

Don't set down a timetable of grief. Your friend or loved one may not be "over it" in a month, six months or a year. Each person takes their own amount of time to bring their own personal grief to an end. It's also important to know that a grieving victim will never "get over it." They will simply learn to live with it.

Invite your friend out for dinner, a movie, or to your house. They may or may not take you up on the offer, but they will appreciate it.

Offer concretes. Most people who want to help say, "What can I do?" Instead offer your help. If you cook, offer to bring dinner and suggest the days and times you can do it. If you have technical skills, offer to look at their car, repair the washing machine, etc. You can also offer to run errands, pick up their children at school, shop for groceries, return their books to the library, etc.

Offer to go to the bereavement support groups with them. This shows your support and eases them into the group with comfort.

Talk about the crime and/or the deceased. In this way the griever will know that their loved one has not been forgotten.

Send a note of encouragement periodically and notes of condolences on important dates such as anniversaries or birthdays.

Don't' use phrases like, "I know exactly what you're feeling" or "It was God's will." These phrases don't help and could alienate you from the victim.

Most importantly, be patient. Healing takes time and support.

Special Considerations

There are some special considerations in dealing with men and children who are suffering from grief.

Men:

Give him permission to cry. Men often feel that they will appear less of a person if they are seen crying or grieving. Sometimes a comment as little as, "Let it out." or "You shouldn't keep those feelings bottled up," is enough to let him know that you think it's alright from him to grieve openly. The real strength and courage is not in holding in the tears but letting them go and showing your vulnerability.

Don't expect the same reaction from him that you would from a woman. Men don't cry as openly and don't show their emotions. But that doesn't mean he isn't grieving. He is upset.

Recommend that he spends time with male friends. Hopefully they can open up to one another, making him feel not so alone.

Children:

Children need to know why you are sad, others are sad and why they are sad. Acknowledging this lets them know that they're feelings are appropriate.

Let the child know that it is the crime that has made you sad. Children often mis-interrupt our behavior and emotions. If not explained, they may think that your grief was caused by something they did or didn't do. Let them know with such phrases as, "Mommy and Daddy are sad because..." or "A very sad thing has happened..."

References:

Walton, Charlie. When There Are No Words: Finding Your Way to Cope with Loss & Grief. Pathfinders Publishing of California. Ventura, CA, 1996.

Trauma Impact Report

In 2009-12, 68% of victims of serious violent crime - rape or sexual assault, robbery, or aggravated assault - reported experiencing socio-emotional problems as a result of their victimization. For this report, socio-emotional problems are defined as the experience of one or more of the following: feelings of moderate to severe distress; significant problems with work or school, such as trouble with a boss, coworkers, or peers; or significant problems with family members or friends, including more arguments than before the victimization, an inability to trust, or not feeling as close after the victimization.

Victims who experienced severe distress as a result of a violent victimization were more likely to report the crime to police and receive victim services than victims with no distress or mild distress. About 12% of severely distressed victims reported the crime to police and received victim services, compared to 1% of victims with no distress. However, more than a third of victims reporting severe distress and nearly half of those with moderate distress did not report to the police or receive any assistance

from victim service providers. In addition, 50% of victims who experienced severe distress and reported to police did not receive victim services. It is not known if they were directed to or offered these services.